I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Two words: nipple clamps
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