The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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