i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
