Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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