You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
