I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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