Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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