Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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