I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
