I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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