Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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