just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
