remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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