Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
