We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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