I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
