but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
