I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
