If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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