I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
