i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
