I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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