You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
