I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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