Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it's like heaven, but drunker
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
