you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
