In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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