you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
