the condom got lost in my hair
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
