I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
