Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
