..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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