my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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