I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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