that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
