Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
