im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
