The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
