yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Are we still banned from the library?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
