The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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