after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
