I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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