i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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