I showed him my bush... on skype.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i out mim tonsoeep
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