Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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