I'm so fucking centered right now
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
