RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just high enough for therapy.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
