So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
