I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
