Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am mentally ready for anal.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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