Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
