I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
