i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
