Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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