I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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