I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
