Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
