New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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